Restless

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” -C.S. Lewis

What to do when you don’t know what to do…

It’s cliché, I know. But it’s a real feeling all the same– the sometimes all-consuming, sickening, nausea that overcomes a person at some point… What am I doing with my life? Do I have a purpose? We look around us at the suffering, the pain, the shallowness, the vanity of it all and we ask, What is the meaning of all this? We’ve all been there, right?

Even as Believers we do this. I know I do. I know that everything is for our good and God’s glory, but sometimes I don’t understand it. I know I won’t ever understand it all. And you know, I’ve come to realize, that’s a beautiful thing. We don’t have all the answers, but we know Someone who does.

I’ve struggled for so long with not knowing God’s will for my life. What does that even mean? Does He have some greater plan that I stray from if I follow my own desires? Or does He give me those desires to cause me to walk in His ways? Does he care about the particulars as long as the Way of Peace is followed? Is there any way to not be in His will?

And as I wrestle with these things, I grow weary. Burdened down. And I think, this isn’t right is it? It’s not supposed to be this hard. Why the struggle? Why all the mystery and deciphering? Why can’t You just TELL me what You want of me. I’m listening. I’ll obey. I just want a direct command. An audible Voice. A burning bush. Anything! 

We fall into the trap of thinking that God works and thinks and acts like us. But He doesn’t “You thought that I was one like yourself…” (Psalm 50:21)

But our God is the God of still small Voices (1 Kings 19:11-12), foggy mirrors (1 Corinthians 13:12), the unknown and the untold (Deuteronomy 29:29). He wants us to marvel in Him, in who He is, in His Works that we don’t understand. (Isaiah 58:8-9) And that brings Him glory. It puts us in our rightful place. (Romans 9:20) And yet…

How do we know God’s will for us?

Yesterday, I understood for the first time (though heard and considered many times before) why I often feel so restless. Like my life has no real purpose. Like I’m missing something important, or I’m wasting my God-given time searching for something I’ll never find. Why I feel so confused and overwhelmed. Much as I know this, now I grasp it, cling to it, more than just comprehend, but understand: I need God. More than my relationship with Him, I need to be with Him. We were created to have fellowship with Him and be in His very presence and when Adam and Eve brought sin into the world, that separated us from Him. We are meant to be with Him and to walk with Him and talk with Him, and see Him face to face. That. That is why I struggle so much. That is the burden on my soul that I could never name. We were created with eternity pressing in on our hearts, always there, always reminding. You need Him. As the Amplified Version says of Ecclesiastes 3:11, 

He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time. He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God]—yet man cannot find out (comprehend, grasp) what God has done (His overall plan) from the beginning to the end.”

But apart from that which I cannot change for the present (until He brings my restless and weary soul to Him in the future), what am I supposed to be doing? 

I know it’s not just waiting around, wishing and hoping and pitying my lack until I die. That is not the abundant life! (John 10:10) So next, I will scribble my way around discerning the will of God.

Blessings!